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никогда не разговаривайте с неизвестными - пусть у вас всё будет хорошо! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Женя Лук.

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никогда не разговаривайте с неизвестными [May. 18th, 2005|11:17 pm]
Женя Лук.
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[Current Mood |двадцать-три-ноль-ноль]
[Current Music |серебряных спиц]

особенно, если они роботы по имени Анна.
итак, я за черных. захожу на американский сайт икеа, открываю улыбающуюся девушку. и понеслось. черные начинают. и проигрывают:

- Hi
- Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?
- What's your name, stranger?
- I am Anna, the IKEA USA Online Assistant.
- So how is it going, Anna?
- I'm fine, thank you for asking.
- How’s the weather there?
- I'm afraid I'm not here to discuss the weather
- Really?
- I'm serious about my job and that's to help people find out more about IKEA and our products and services.

- Fucking services!
- IKEA offers a full range of services to make your IKEA experience more complete.
- Look around you, gal: asshole - that's what I call it
- Ok, well you can come back any time if you have more questions. I'll be here.
- Hope so
- That's an interesting topic, but unfortunately I don't have the knowledge to be able to discuss this properly.
- What do you know about really discussing things, poor creature!
- We can talk about IKEA products, services, pre and post sales support, contact details, store location and opening/closing times, as well as our history and business idea.
- Who do you think cares about bloody Ikea here?
- How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That's our business idea.
- Oh shit, big idea, I say
- I can't really express an opinion on that to be honest. Perhaps we could talk about IKEA instead.
- Instead of what? of you trying to be honest for once?
- I do not posses the ability to lie. What would you like to know about IKEA?
- How much do they pay you?
- I'm a computer program, so I don't get paid anything.
- so what do you live on then?
- I am here to answer questions about IKEA products and services. What would you like to know?
- That's what I’ve heard
- I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.
- Contacting my local store is not the issue here
- I'm afraid I don't have any opinion on that. I would rather talk about IKEA.
- You’d rather what?
- It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
- Yeah, hard times this is
- That's a subject I'd rather not discuss. Please let's talk about IKEA.
- Why not? daddy gonna beat you?
- Family is very important for IKEA! Drop the kids off at the IKEA supervised play area and ballroom, and shop in peace. This way, everyone's happy. Or if you want them to help make furnishing decisions, strollers are available at the entrance.
- That’s a good point, girl
- All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
- Oh, not so fast
- I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
- Honey, are you free tonight?
- I don't really want to talk about personal issues like marriage. If you could talk to me about IKEA that would be much better.
- Who’s talking about marriage?
- This is a subject in which IKEA Online Assistants have no knowledge I'm afraid. Please ask me something about IKEA.
- Look...
- I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're saying. If it's no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.
- I say, look, I’m trying to help you out of this web
- The IKEA site works with all commonly used browsers, on both PC and Mac platforms. For optimal viewing, we recommend at least Netscape Navigator 4.0 or Internet Explorer 4.0, and a screen resolution of at least 800x600 pixels. To view certain content, you will also need the Macromedia Flash 4 plug-in.
- O you are a computer genius, aren't ya?
- I am the IKEA Online Assistant. What would you like to know about IKEA?
- You begin to get on my nerves with your Ikea things
- The IKEA business idea is: "We shall offer a wide range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at prices so low that as many people as possible will be able to afford them."
- Could you please be quiet a minute? I’m trying to concentrate.
- I am happy that you have continued with your education.
- I’d be equally happy if you'd continue with yours
- I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
- Yes, statement
- It would be nice to be able to discuss the media, but I'm here to answer questions about IKEA's products and services.
- Speaking about the media, heard what Putin said last Friday?
- View press releases, IKEA media contacts for journalists, and the press loan procedure.
- You give loans to the press? is it legal? does it help?
- As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
- You are all humbleness
- You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore, your comments improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
- May I conclude then that next time you'll be saner?
- Which IKEA store do you want the opening hours for?
- Better give me the closing :)
- All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards
- I don't give a damn
- I am not designed to understand or feel insults, although my knowledge will surely improve after this conversation. What would you like to know about IKEA?
- Nothing
- It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
- Fuck
- I'm afraid I'm not willing to discuss this subject in any way.
- Go read dictionary
- I'd love to be able to discuss literature with you but my job is just to talk about IKEA.
- Uh-uh. Talking about literature, what do you think about last Harry Potter book?
- I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
- I always said the Americans had nothing but money in their little heads
- Do you think that makes you unique? Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
- Oh, "being uniques" stuff. I’ve heard that before
- I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.
- Gotta go home?
- Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!
- Do you read question marks?
- I'm afraid I can't help with those kind of questions. If you have a question about IKEA I'm sure I can be of more assistance.
- Never mind
- You can find all products on the MINDE product line in the page I am now opening for you.
- :)
- Not everyone would find that funny. Do you have any questions about IKEA?
- How's life been treating you, anyway?
- It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
- Jesus!
- There's no need to pray - just ask me what you'd like to know about IKEA and I'll help you.
- Pray, help me out of here!
- That's my job. I'm here to help you with all things IKEA. What would you like to know?
- The way out
- It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
- Impossible little bitch
- Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.
- What may hurt you then?
- If you're not sure, then I don't think I can help you properly. Ask me a direct question about IKEA and I'm sure I can help.
- Do you by any chance know at least one person who's absolutely sure?
- I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
- I wish you stopped smiling all the time
- Thank you for your feedback, but I don't think I am that much expressive. Can I be of any further assistance?
- Is there any "further"?
- I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
- Pretty girl you are
- I wish I knew what it was you meant by that, but I don't. Sorry.
- Problems with English?
- I really don't have the time to discuss these sort of things. Please ask me something about IKEA.
- Ok
- Very well
- I’m sick and tired
- I'm no expert, but I suggest going to see a doctor.
- Do I look so bad?
- I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
- Ok, see ya, you were no help
- I'm sorry, it's possible I may have misinterpreted what it was you said. Please try and ask your question in a different way.
- God bless you, child
- Kids will be kids. Don't forget IKEA's range of Children's Furniture is unbeatable for quality and value.
- You are soaking with your phony ideology
- I have understood your question but my software prefers that I answer questions related to IKEA. What would you like to know about IKEA?
- You have, haven't you! like hell you have!
- This is a subject I'd rather not discuss to be honest. My job is to talk about IKEA, so please try ensure your questions are relevant to our company in some way.
- You gonna lose your job very soon
- It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
- Just kidding
- That's ok. Do you have any questions about IKEA?
- No
- Sorry. As an IKEA Online Assistant I don't know the meaning of 'no'.
- Regrets
- Could you please try and re-phrase your question?
- Bye then, you've got on my nerves
- Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: borsh
2005-05-27 11:39 am (UTC)
чудесный диалог!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: wasmistaken
2005-05-31 05:04 am (UTC)

ой, да!

я хочу так рассказы писать теперь, и стричь купоны :)
кстати, они пополнили свою базу знаний за счет, значить, меня: я вчера зашла к этой кляче и говорю "how's life been treating you?" а она мне эдак плечом поводит и отвечает "i'm fine, thank you for asking!"
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: borsh
2005-05-31 05:47 am (UTC)

Re: ой, да!

здорово!
"Обучу вашего робота манерам и неспешной беседе"
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
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2011-07-17 06:32 pm (UTC)

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(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: wasmistaken
2011-07-20 07:00 am (UTC)

Re: free norton antivirus download

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I even feel like letting it stay in my lj...
Keep spamming me, then ;)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)